


In the Moment

by bleachedpink



Category: Marvel, Marvel 616
Genre: Drabble, M/M, look out it's full of headcanons, mention of depression, mention of drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-22
Updated: 2012-08-22
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bleachedpink/pseuds/bleachedpink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Considerations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Moment

Sometimes Matt thinks that it would be easier if he was able to slip back into his past, before he began forcing himself to be happy, before he had to. It would be easy to do with a little nudge in the right direction. Matt knew enough dealers in Hell’s Kitchen that he could buy from a clean one. It would be so easy to melt back into a haze of the past.

Instead, he tries to keep focused on the now, live in the moment. Sometimes it’s hard, like when one of the up-and-coming villains brings up Bullseye or Elektra. And on those nights, Matt goes back home to his dark apartment and wishes he’d let Peter move in with him when he’d asked. But Matt had recoiled away, remembering the times he’d been hurt by getting close to somebody. So instead of entangling himself in Peter, Matt takes a scalding shower, and then goes to sleep with the sound of artificial waves in his ears.

Living in the moment is like walking on a burning tightrope, Matt realizes one day after meeting with Peter for one of their quick lunches. At some point he was going to have to think of the future, and stop ignoring his past. He would have to ask himself important questions. Where were the two of them going to be a year, hell, even a few months from now? Would they still be together? Would there still be the careful boundary between their heroing and the rest of their lives? Would Matt have to go through the same things with Peter that he went through with Karen?

Thoughts of the past and the future are equally dangerous, and so Matt avoids them both, carefully cultivating his mind into a well-organized garden. People notice, too. Foggy’s said it’s “good to have him back”, and Peter’s said that Matt was more willing to smile than when he’d known him before.

Peter spends the night at Matt’s apartment more often than Matt spends the night at Peter’s, even though Matt would have rather spent time at Peter’s. Matt felt self-conscious when other people came over, of the darkness that he knew he lived in, and the stark neatness of everything. Peter’s apartment feels more like a home, with his clothes and belongings out in the open and windows that were never curtained. Peter lives in more light than Matt.

Peter didn’t mind when Matt would trace circles on his hands as they watched (or in Matt’s case, listened to) a bad eighties movie, even if he didn’t need to touch as much as Matt did.

The farthest the two of them had gone had been sleepy cuddling and sloppy kissing on a couch, before passing out in each other’s arms. They didn’t need to do anything more, it was enough for Matt to just bask in Peter’s presence. In the morning, Matt would wake up half-off the couch, with Peter sprawled snoring across the floor.

Matt quietly extracts himself from the creaky piece of furniture and makes two cups of coffee, allowing himself to think far enough ahead to imagine doing the same thing next week.


End file.
